I just don't understand

[matthewdaly]

Something happened to me twice over the weekend that has been puzzling me, and with any luck it will happen again so I want to be better prepared and you know what they say about all knowledge.

My parents had their annual "start of summer" party that coincidentally celebrates their birthdays on Saturday, and a friend of theirs from out of town who was not able to attend that party came to our family dinner on Sunday. I had made two pies for the party and we had the leftovers at the second event. The pies came out fine, meeting my hopes that I would finally after all of these years be able to create some form of "potluck" food on demand.

Anyway, at each of these events, a woman (let's say aged 55-68 for the sake of argument) came up to me and asked "How did you make this?" And I, being shy and unprepared, gave a rambling 20-30 second overview of the recipe, and it was clear that she was disengaged. In one case, it became a briefly teachable moment about how I really don't need to freeze the butter to make the crust.

But I'm still faced with the impression that this was a Deborah Tannen moment and these women were trying to establish a supportive network and wound up mystified that I would presume to lecture a mature woman about how to make a banana cream pie. So, if this is a conversation that you (or the person next to you) has been in, what sorts of responses would have been more in line with the original intent of the question?

Comments

re: I just don't understand

[betonica]

How odd. Are they really not interested in knowing how you made the pie, but asking anyway? Humans are strange.

Perhaps you could have some stock answers that take very little time, and then only go into details if they press you for more information (e.g., seem to actually want to know):

"I modified the recipe from Joy of Cooking just a bit, with a little more cream."
"It was really very easy; would you like me to send you the recipe?"
"It was really amazingly difficult; would you like me to send you the recipe?"
(Note: with the last two, you might get roped into sending a recipe to someone who doesn't, actually, want it.)
"I made it up as I went along, and I'm not sure I could replicate it. Do you make Banana Cream Pie? How do you do it?"

Perhaps they just want to talk about how well they cook. The last response would feed right into that.... assuming you have any interest in hearing them talk about their cooking prowess.

Or perhaps they just want to know what your "trick" is, if the pies were particularly good. If you have one or two things that you think makes your recipe stand out from the rest, just say that: I used extra spices / more butter / I glazed the pie shell with egg white and precooked it for 20 seconds.... etc.


But all of this is just wild guesswork. I really haven't a clue why someone would ask you how you made something, and then not be interested when you tell her.

Re: I just don't understand

[matthewdaly]

Having this happen to me twice in two days under different circumstances definitely made me decide that I was the strange one. "Strange" isn't the right word. Our patterns of conversation are often non-intuitive especially when made between people from different subcultures and you can unintentionally derail a conversation before it starts if you interpret a question through your filter instead of relying on your perception of the speaker's motivations. That's what I took away from Tannen, anyways.

I think you're right that "The crust came from YouTube and the filling is mostly from Joy, was it unusual?" would be a good way of sussing out what worked and didn't from someone who almost certainly has more experience than I do. It'd definitely be more concise.

Re: I just don't understand

[lorres]

I get the same question and reaction as you do, so if you get a clue, please forward it. These days they're usually asking about something I've knitted.

Unfortunately I always find myself midway through the answer before I notice that they're not in the least interested, so I guess I'm just overly naive, and have to remember to stop, carefully observe and give a brief answer that requires them to follow up if they really want to know.

Re: I just don't understand

[prairierabbit]

The same thing happens to me, about knitting, food, and also the plants I choose for my garden. What makes it challenging is that sometimes they really do want to know, and sometimes they want an opening to talk about their own knitting/gardening/cooking/etc., and sometimes they are just trying to be polite. Humans are strange, indeed!

(It has made me more careful about the questions I ask, though, so that's a good thing.)

[elissaann]

If someone asked me how I made something, my first guess would be that they wanted the recipe.

I have also heard some people use that sort of question as another way of saying, "You are a clever/talented person who did this wonderful/delicious thing."

OTOH, "how did you do this?" could also be shorthand for, "how did you do this, because I certainly would have done it differently."

(Cue old joke about how men and women answer questions differently: "Where did you buy the meat?" etc.)

[matthewdaly]

I've seen women speak effortlessly about cooking all my life, so I assumed that there was just a playbook that I needed to order. It's vaguely disconcerting that there isn't a formulaic response that means "I would welcome any conversation on the subject of my pie. What in particular interests you?" Real life needs a Stayman Convention.

Is there a "Where did you buy the meat" joke? It's not ringing any bells.

[elissaann]

Ask a man, "where did you buy this meat?" and he tells you which store. Ask a woman, and she says, "why? what's wrong with it?"

Like many such jokes, I think there is a tiny kernel of truth in it, in that woman of my generation were brought up to analyze things to death, and men were brought up to be a little more direct.

As for conversational conventions, everyone seems to play by a different rulebook.