I just don't understand

[matthewdaly]

Something happened to me twice over the weekend that has been puzzling me, and with any luck it will happen again so I want to be better prepared and you know what they say about all knowledge.

My parents had their annual "start of summer" party that coincidentally celebrates their birthdays on Saturday, and a friend of theirs from out of town who was not able to attend that party came to our family dinner on Sunday. I had made two pies for the party and we had the leftovers at the second event. The pies came out fine, meeting my hopes that I would finally after all of these years be able to create some form of "potluck" food on demand.

Anyway, at each of these events, a woman (let's say aged 55-68 for the sake of argument) came up to me and asked "How did you make this?" And I, being shy and unprepared, gave a rambling 20-30 second overview of the recipe, and it was clear that she was disengaged. In one case, it became a briefly teachable moment about how I really don't need to freeze the butter to make the crust.

But I'm still faced with the impression that this was a Deborah Tannen moment and these women were trying to establish a supportive network and wound up mystified that I would presume to lecture a mature woman about how to make a banana cream pie. So, if this is a conversation that you (or the person next to you) has been in, what sorts of responses would have been more in line with the original intent of the question?

Comments

Re: I just don't understand

[matthewdaly]

Having this happen to me twice in two days under different circumstances definitely made me decide that I was the strange one. "Strange" isn't the right word. Our patterns of conversation are often non-intuitive especially when made between people from different subcultures and you can unintentionally derail a conversation before it starts if you interpret a question through your filter instead of relying on your perception of the speaker's motivations. That's what I took away from Tannen, anyways.

I think you're right that "The crust came from YouTube and the filling is mostly from Joy, was it unusual?" would be a good way of sussing out what worked and didn't from someone who almost certainly has more experience than I do. It'd definitely be more concise.

Re: I just don't understand

[lorres]

I get the same question and reaction as you do, so if you get a clue, please forward it. These days they're usually asking about something I've knitted.

Unfortunately I always find myself midway through the answer before I notice that they're not in the least interested, so I guess I'm just overly naive, and have to remember to stop, carefully observe and give a brief answer that requires them to follow up if they really want to know.

Re: I just don't understand

[prairierabbit]

The same thing happens to me, about knitting, food, and also the plants I choose for my garden. What makes it challenging is that sometimes they really do want to know, and sometimes they want an opening to talk about their own knitting/gardening/cooking/etc., and sometimes they are just trying to be polite. Humans are strange, indeed!

(It has made me more careful about the questions I ask, though, so that's a good thing.)